Another trip to the Hollow basement and I stumbled across this brief moment of seriousness from August, 2006. Some of the facts in the original post have changed as to my current life here in 2007, but the basic theme still rings true .... I am very sorry to those out there who visit my blog and yet I havent had time to come and visit your blogs much... I just have not been on the computer much at all as of late... maybe I'll get back into blogging more soon.
I miss Y'all!
Me being a daddy to my son and Lulu in 2005
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Who are you?
Or, who you are, for those more confident in their identities and roles in life.
I am a man, who at 38, is coming out a very long period of life that I hope will go down as my personal "dark ages". I was decidedly self absorbed and arrogant, and at the same time insecure to the point of being near xenophobic..I have fought back from social anxiety disorder, depression, addiction, and a whole other array of personal problems, including a life shattering divorce and the nervous breakdown that followed. Now, I am a few years into the life rebuilding process, and I am trying to figure out what to make of my journey to where I am today, even as some of these battles still rage within me.
Who am I?
Frankly, I'm not sure. I have become a victim to my own policy of sharing slices of myself to different groups in my life in such different ways, and by different principles that I feel at times like a jigsaw puzzle that might never be put together fully. But I suppose we all might have that last piece missing until we, at our deaths, see "the light" and finally grasp the meaning of our existence and solve the equation of ourselves........ and the last piece of the puzzle is placed.
I feel I have been shortsided in this approach. I am confused as to who is the real me. So is everyone else in my life confused as to who I am to various extents. Am I a parent? Yes. Am I a step parent? Yes, in the emotional and authoritative sense if not fully in the legal sense yet. Am I a businessman? Sometimes, selling real estate, although while I did that for years and am about to embark on that road again; I feel it is not my true calling. I dont see much worthwhile legacy to leave to the world by selling houses.
I like to create things. Whether it's music, photography, writing, or just goofing off on discussion boards and other sites as "Randy420" (Where I mostly just try to create shock and giggles or give myself a giggle in trying to create the shock and giggles on others) I feel most at peace while creating. So I feel maybe that's God's way of letting me know that creating is my calling. But I am a jack of all trades and a master of none in these excursions with a couple dozen half finished projects of every sort, packed away. I can't seem to just pull it all together in one of these fields of creativity and break through to my full potential.
I am starting to feel torn between these roles I play......Spiritual mentor, goofy friend, loving fiance, doting father, and the other various slices of myself that I share. So I feel like I have become trapped in my own labyrinth of personalities that those who try to really get to know me must find their way through.
I think I want to simplify. To share more of myself with everyone and do less role playing. I'm tired of the show I am putting on for whoever's company I happen to be in.. I just want to relax and be me.
Whoever that is........
Time will tell, but I feel this pitstop and reflection might be the beginning of the assembling of the final product that will be my legacy.
Who I am, was, and will become.....
